Music

New Release!

Codex is a dusty old manuscript found in a cave, written by a strange person who left only a musical key.
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All piano and vocals by AB
Where is C???

Know Now

I want to know
I want to know
I want to know
Now,

Pick me
Like a flower
I will bloom for you

I will bloom
I will bloom
Where will i put
my big ideas
maybe
lay them next to

Whether or not
I want to be
With you
my river is
consciousness
can you swim
words are rafts
Dry your eyes

I want to know
Whats on your mind
Mind over matter
I never thought
I'd live without
loneliness

Lust a drug, but
Your brain a sea
to swim in
hold my tongue
hold my breath
under water
hold my stress
and give in

If I run just hold on

I want to know
the catacombs now
Before
Disappointment comes and
rips through us both
Shreds our dreams
here i'll show you my cards
the good the bad the ugly
all i know is when i'm near you
i want to be the best version
learn the three Bs better let
tears dry

i want to know
i'll tell you now
first

Codex

lift up
lift up
both my hands
lift up
lift up
where you stand
and hold that
i'm called back
'believe'
she is bringing
ruin with her
turn
your eyes from
bell, wand
salt, heather
spun whispers
my ratchet
don't disguise
a compromise
she knows
she knows
she knows
all that i
have hidden
she knows
she knows
more than words
and with my ratchet
i lock away the cord
cold comfort
they'll never know it
they'll never know
i am done
dying engines dying ends red
dining with my enemies
for what
pretending belief
she knows
your secret is safe
there is no escape
your secret is safe

Stupid Crush Song

should i
shouldn't i
i've been pulling petals
i don't know
i don't know
if i can bear
the truth in your eyes
your eyes...
it's much better this way
from a distance
i can see your face
i love to hear your
voice exclaim
your voice...
they say love takes time
but time makes a fool of us all
and i'm foolish after all
i've pulled a petal off
a daffodil wishing to call you dear
but it's ok with me
i love to hear you speak
here where i can gather petals
in your favor
i'll make a wreath
you can be the Caesar
and i'll never be Brutus...
this is why i'm still
in the bushes with my
love
my foolish way of
comparing myself to Brutus
when I should have picked
Cleopatra cause obviously
that's the one you say!
but i know that i'm no Cleopatra
i'm not even kind-of
in company i can't even say
the sole thing i'm trying to say
when ahhhh! You're so clever...
but yeah i'm really into you...
whatever.

Broke the Rules

if i broke the rules
would you bend them
to make me be
the one you could love

i have silver pulling me
silver leaves left to read

it's not so easy to pretend
that when love is lust inside
i need a gas mask to breathe
to breathe the lies into life
i know it all
how could i
let that go

when i don my mask
i already know
i have to make do
with all of this
watered around
belief
i drown in gas for you

Flower

turn me into weeds
"didn't mean to pick your flower
but i picked you today
and i
needed prayer
now on your knees
it's you
you
that pushed it in"
am i too old
do i ask too
many goddamned questions
now
"on your knees,
on your knees"
i don't give a shit today
yes i still recall
the words of
John 3:16
I just don't care
in the mirror
i see his face
and the preacher saying
"girl you had it coming to you"
let me tell you
what i had coming...
i learned...
i learned that i could
get a restraining order
i learned I didn't have to step foot
inside the fucking church again
i learned there is word for
what you did to me
i learned you are a type
pedophile
and you said
don't ask for help
and you said
i deserved all that
you did
i learned you lied
you lied
you lied
liar
you lie
you're a coward
you're a fucking
piece of shit
liar
and i am free of shame
and i don't need to
play your games of pain
i'm alive
and you're
a liar
i'm alive

Jane

one word
comes through
with an orange sky
this falling down
wait
wake wake wake
wake wake wake
one word is flung
from the sky
one word with a
heart compass
promise to set me free
don't despair
my baby Jane
waking the wolves
waking the wolves
is it worry hound now
wound
the worry is
dragging down
from the houses
into the present
into the eyes
wake wake
wake wake
oh help is on its way
help is on its way
baby Jane
he will find his way
always
he will find his way
he will find his way
to you
the way out is in
the way out is in
hold out
your hand, Jane
don't mind the lemon sky
and there'll be tears
down the hall
and despite the flood
the haunted halls
no matter the time
the lines of fear
he will find you
the way out is in
hold out your hand
the way out is in

With Me

if you go there
with me
i will go
despite my fear
despite my fear
if you feel this
with me
i will feel it
with both hands
won't you feel
it with me now
it will be despite
the ones who told
us not to feel
don't you feel it
if you go there
with me
i will go there
with you
i will be with you
and i am looking on
now baby, we're moving on
if you go there
i will feel it
if you feel it
tell me now
if you go there
i will go there
i will feel it
will you feel it
i'm scared
so, don't run
you said
stay with me
i want to stay
i feel
i feel
will you feel it
with me
will you be here
with me

I See You

coquette conquered
shifts
truth a noose
how can i be here
i needed so little
when i asked
one fire held
dust god, ash

oh momma why
why'd you sell me
down the river
sell me for pennies
say savior, no
this love
it's bruised
daddy
why'd you sell me
down the river
you gave me over
for popularity
its going great
now, isn't it
better be careful
baby grew
too old for you
i see right through you
i see
i see
i see

Marches

yes
the march is on
i know it is
one foot in front
of the other- but
i fall

there's a
lesson to be learned
this war in love
is about the journey

don't come bringing bows
bows won't dress this
madness up into a
ball room dance

one word
can drive a wedge in
drive a stake in
hold a hammer, hit
choose carefully

Self Less

Evidently
he put the fear in me
and i grew up
i owe nothing but
to my own resilience
i have my own condolences
for the death of me
the one you believed
was an invention of
my so called maturity
is that mere water
you drink
such a pretty little
thing
nothing like me
and i would be anything
but the one thing
he said he wanted
me to be
that is my self
that is my self
there is no one else
but there was one
she was
wearing a mask of me
is that mere water
you drink
such a pretty little
thing
nothing like me
evidently
he put the fear in me
but i grew up
do you still
scrounge eyes
you can't mine
i am my own
horizon
now i rise
to any occasion
i rise
i rise

Sole

he tried to steal my soul
but it is still attached to
my ankle
i don't believe
i don't believe
your prophesies mean
nothing to me
you can't get me back
i know you need
needed someone to bleed
it's not gonna be me
he tried to steal my soul
but it is still attached to
my ankle
i wanted to be pure...
pure is a concept
i threw into the garbage
there on the bottom of
my can is purity
lies that were taught to me
reciprocity
girls were goods
sold
and i threw refuse
it's
a long way down now
i've recycled
new
he tried to steal my sole
but it is still attached
to my ankle

Thank You

i don't think i can take
the time to tell you
(I'm ashamed it's taken
this long, forgive me, but)
i don't think i can find
the words to tell you
you changed my mind,
you changed my mind,
you changed my life.

Lyrics

And I Breathe

for Mindi

how do i hold you in
how do i hold it out
the world is crashing in here
i am still here
i am still here
and i am

lonely without
and moving you within
you saw me when i couldn't see myself
so now i hold you in
now i hold you in
and now i breathe to be with you
a breath of me
a breath of we
how do i explain
how do i explain
you saw me when i couldn't see myself
and i breathe you in
and i breathe you in
and i breathe
how do i explain

Prodigal Son

they come to me
the vestal virgins
let down your hair
they will wash away my day
they'll clean all that i've done
and they'll take my hand once more
but i'm not going home
i'm no prodigal son
i carry with me a container
brimming with salt
so i'll never have to look
they'll say things but
i want to be the one who finds
freedom growing near me
and i
crucified all my tendencies
i need more
don't ask me to be pure
and i'm not going home
i'm no prodigal son
this way this way on the way
to hades
i got my hands in my pocket
my hands on my rifle
and i never needed
and i never asked you for
any bit of truth but
believe me, believe me
believe me when i say that i
don't need you to save me
i'm falling
falling
i'm going down to the
twelve circles
down further
where you may
invoke me
the die is cast
and i'm not going home
don't you ask me
cause i'm not going home
i'm not the prodigal son

Dissociate

do i want to hurt less
do you carry my tears
do i waste screams
do i waste my razor
it won't judge
i cut it out of me
i cut it out
i cut out the feeling
one two three four
four is four times before
you came through the door
i'll endure
like a soldier
and i do what i have to do
and you do what you have to do
don't ask
if you don't want to see
my pain
it bleeds out of me
it's like a game
who decides i must lose
look at my face
you ask where i went
but i'll not be cut down by you
you fool
you see
i got a razor
and i don't care
what they say about healthy feelings
because i
cut out the feeling
and you do what have to do
and i ghost
don't you know
you can't get my feeling

Bandages

i know you were better
than i ever was
i stand in the threshold
and i use your runes
don't tell me how to feel
don't tell me i don't feel
i pushed it down
without my dramadies
without my animal
desire design
i put it up and i let it all out
and i learn
i learn
all the slender pieces of me
i tossed
in the lake
i don't want anyone
i don't want my selves so
sorry isn't the sparrow
turned dove
holy
disgraced
i drink it
i drink it
i am enough in it
it isn't like you came
you came to say that
you'd save me
slender blade of grass that i am
said to me you must save
your own sorry ass
and i ...
here is a drink
for the time that
i tried
and i've a scar all down my spine
and here is a drink
for the kisses that came out all
sludge on my face
oh god
here is a drink for the
one that i asked for
i asked
would you consider this
sorry that i learned gravity
by flinging every piece of me
into every wall
sorry i learned the gravity of
statement by
hurting you by
throwing words against the wall
how am i to be heard
i hope you forgive me
wherever you are
for presuming you knew
what you couldn't know
i was stupid as you
unwound my bandages
wondering how far i bled

Story

in my little mote of light
i can't see you're lying to me
to get
me to wipe the world away
as i made my way and
no one knows i'm here
no one knows or cares
running running howling
at the moon
let me out
he asked me do i believe
in what in what i said
in what
am i nothing
am i less then my only
mote of dust
in the light
in the light
i see earth split open
see me and my little seed
going down to ground
ask my now
do you believe
it's like a slap
it's like a slaked gun
in the dark
in my heart
like a gun
and memory is a trickery thing
it slips inside and then it lays its babies
and i need them out
i need to remember less and be more
when i remember it is over
remember memories can lack meaning
be like motes of dust in the air
do you sow
don't you know?
you were the one i clung to
he was the one that held it under
held it under
went inside
became my enemy
and i don't need to breathe
got it all
and slipping out of the door
don't you worry
it isn't here
it is a story
ask me do i believe
do i do i
do i

The Fix

for Dwayne

ask me to explain myself
i have my selves on a shelf oh
dissected and labeled
and i will not let you
catalog them
reassess them
readdress them
let's not get our panties in
a bunch over it
it's like i've got a fix
isolated
i would like to state
that every bit of repressed
memory is gone for a reason
i don't need them or you
not when i divide myself into a few
and i can see colours brighter then you
when i take a drink
i take a smoke
i take a fix
and you'll never know
the hidden meanings after all
it's gone
i would like to state
for the record
when i took it
when i took my overdose
there is nothing
you could do

Recycle

i will recycle
just like you taught me to
and
i drink down that bitter draught
till i couldn't see you
i needed your love
i called out and called out
and i begged for you
down at the bottom
down in the well yes
please
would you give a bucket
and a shilling
oh all my life
see how i'm wing sore
crumbled at your feet
i'd like to soar;
i am broken
taste of your tongue
the crude caress of
the lies
taste of your tears
the fire of bribes
you cried my name
and now it's bitter
and bitter it tastes tastes tastes
oh, my life
i hold my head high
it's gone what i relied on
it's gone in the blink of the eye and
i drink i drink i drink
i drink til i can't hardly remember
the things you insist; recycle
your name
don't i know i am unowned
i am carved down the middle of me
so why does it taste so bitter
and bitter is all that it tastes
and i am unsure
winding whys in a procession
of your denials
i know what i am
the tip of my tongue
bitter
you taught me to
recycle my heart beat

I Call You

I call you
I call you
I call you
I call you.
Invoking
You see
Don’t ask me more
Don’t ask me
I’m fallen
I am mourning
I am prayers to
Deep silence
More! you call
You don’t hear the science…
Do you wait here for this moment
On your knees
On your knees
To beseech a god not listening
Justice isn’t happening
It is bleeding
More! you goddess

Footsteps

i kept a lot of secrets
i kept a lot of keys
I've kept it all inside of me
and now it's coming out
they asked me to remember
words
and i remembered them
and i remembered better
all the things not said
and footsteps
the sound of footsteps
nearing me
and footsteps
and footsteps
nearing me
they said to me
He'll never give you
more than you can take
so take this
and prove your faith
i remember every word
and i remember all the things
not said
and footsteps
and footsteps
there's footsteps

Dragonsnake

All the world will learn what we have
Here it is clear air to shine our scales
Promise me brave promises
Promises you will save the birds
Broken way wings
Brave reckless friends
Shed my skin
Shed my skin
I’ll be a snake then
Be reborn dragon
Don’t deny me now
Push past the fear
Then over the cliff
To the ocean
Ocean tide is in my blood
Salt in skin revel back
Living is dangerous
Don’t keep me on land
And say
It is for my own protection
I wrap skeins of new flesh
Over bruises
See love, I laugh it is
my
Own
Cull away too tight hands

Flew Away

i flew away so quickly
i couldn't let you near me
i'd stay

i flew away so quickly
i couldn't let you stop me
it's your bruise

when i close my eyes
i'm still bleeding

and don't ask me why i am leaving
when i cover my eyes
it's not shame
and it's gonna be a long time
to feel alright

don't i know
i ask it all
don’t look at that
don’t look at this
it’s what was in the dark
and I’m afraid
every time i can see my face
i see you
See you
That’s why

i flew away so quickly
i couldn't let you near me
i broke it all
and i couldn’t let you near me
i needed to break free
Fine
It’s all yours
Here
i need to let you go
i loved you until
i lost me at your door

Argumentative

i don't believe you
there is so much more to see
there is so much more to be
than here
you call me dear
don't ask me why again
it's been a long day
and it's going to be longer now
he knows
but he pretends silence
in this
quiet
don't you say another word
quiet, quiet
it's not going to work this time
i got quiet...
ahhhh!

Lyrics

The Stain Is so New

you are fragile too
You can fuck my name into
the girls that you find
convince me of your sensitivity
where eternity is lying blackens
and you are fragile as a bird
and the cage of your ribs keeps me out
and i could not be responsible
i could not forgive myself
and i need someone that i
can push back
i need someone who can stand
when i break down
who knows when i can't be scoffed at
when i am learning my way
and you were always so needy
with your hands reaching
grasping to be my eternity
and you can pretend
that it was perfect
and you can pretend
but it is not true
it is not you
the stain is so new
it is only brown at the edges
and i'm still waiting for you to
come down
and i need someone
i can beat
and i need someone who
don't mind the heat
you know every
you know everything
and still you don't understand.

Tangled
Sadness was coming over me
I need to be alone awhile
Simply put, I forgot myself
I would be anything at all to make
You stay
Don’t you leave this up to me
I’ll fuck it up
Like I do everything
I thought I was free of this thing
But
I’m as tangled as when you
First came
And
I’m still the same
I don’t belong to myself
Not even in name.

Creature Mother

Creature mother
Come to nurture
Are you hungry
Not enough to feed
On your vanity
Creature mother
I was kept young,
I was kept ignorant
But I should have looked
I should have been clever
Clever as Pandora
And I could have
Loved you
And I could have
Saved you
But I am a wrecking ball
Creature mother
A yearning for what
They are holding that is
Not in my arms
Throwing flint where the
Spark meets darkness
Dropping
You me you me and
If I drown in the silence
You will throw me a voice
Creature mother

Rosary Counting
i am walking towards my disaster
i am walking heel to toe
and i am afraid of nothing
i am my own
but he has taken
he didn't ask
he did not ask
he has taken
did not ask
but i am
splitting off my cells
white and red
reminding of Canada
the one left scorched
the one left virgin
drinking gin
drinking blood
between you and me
i don't know myself
i have a mystery stirring with me
a question heart marked
by constant doubt
do i receive just deceit
am i now swallowing disaster's seed
now blooming
in a garden
wrapped around my feet
the vines are flowering
blood at the root soaking through
making amends for what i'll do
hear her now saying
though they are few
they are roses
rosary counting.

Doll

With eyes that open
Just enough to see
I am a doll
With eyes that open but
Just enough to see
Never enough to go
(I have to leave)
See you now in my
Dreams and now
I’ve learned I can scream
And now again again
I crawl awake saying
Hey it’s ok
I’m still me
Say that I’ll never get out
Of this
Say that I’ll never know what
Hit me but
I’ll know what hit me
It was you

Finding Green

And no truth is held firm
It pours out like this waterfall
Like this waterfall
Walk way today
Down the trail and
Leave a way to find
In the vines
The footsteps that I’ll find
Taking me down the path to
Your misery
Heard it from her
“I only sound sad
When my battery runs low”
And he said
“Fire should frighten”
But he was the fearless one
He smelled it burn his hair
But
He could keep it all in
In and out of this silly situation
Somewhere back in Caroline
Daddy is saying
“nothing happens but the
Best for you and I”
And I have an ignorant story
That comes from my ignorant mindset
I didn’t know-
I just voted
Blue
Red
Makes no difference here
Instead
green
Smoke in the kitchen
In the fire she’s baking
And “darling don’t refuse me.
It’s better this way, you’ll see.”
If I am a doll
I am the kind
That closes the
Eyes when you
Tip it back
And I can’t see
The misery in leaving me
Misery is leaving me
Walking down it’s leaving me
Down the trail and leaving me

Immigration

the things that can't be said
those things are taped to the sound board
and i don't want if i am unwanted
which virtue haunts me
i clutched reproduction and then out
of the ghost and into flesh vendetta
purity sin sensuality sensationalizes
the indifference of bodily needs
this creature of dust rises in a fit of coughing
lays out incestual longing
to love one's self in a hand mirror
calculate in a hand mirror
calculate the flowers' wrath
(base it on the piston)
wisdom gathers belief around to let
it be known
the fatality of concrete beliefs
the dream swirl crowed
sky folded over field in origami
stress being wheel-chaired about by a naughty nurse
swing low
flesh vendetta (wait)
i can hear that sinister sound of immigration
and of assimilation and of leaving my accent
leaving the colour sky and leaving the fields
and the lovingly folded shit composted
and then
i go in in in
and when i go in my head i feel like
i am swimming too deep
the pressure too close and the rumours are true
and i am deep diving
the staircase into my interior is spiral and coloured
deep green deep green deep green
like the forest of my birth
there is no love, there is no strong emotion at all
all the pieces of me doing different things as i go up
up up then down then...
direction confused
and feeling my father in lullaby mode
how he would reach for the radio
"this is how i play music"
drain me of my self pity
angels have Aquanet
haven't you seen highway to heaven?
it explains my faith in chemicals
the pale threads of existence dangle unassisted
the aurora brings its canvas sky and spreads
her blood
who else besides me sees the brush strokes of
remembrance?

Corset

I don’t think I should start like this
I think I need to rearrange this
I don’t think that I’ll tell you now
I think I’d like to forget for awhile
I had my drink
I had my taste
I had my haste
Straight chased
Corseted from the truth
Here we go again
I loved you then but
This is now
And I’ll you how I’ll get you
Out of my system
Breaking it off
I had a gin
And I had my fun
And I had defiance

And then I was resentful
I saw you there with
Her in your hands
And her in your hair
And her words
Her with her hair
Her with her smile
And it wasn’t me
I mean…
Why not me
So quietly
You destroy me

Background Lyrics
Emotional Doormat doesn’t have to feel a thing
This thing is pretended anyways
I wish
I wish my body would lend me space
My anger is everywhere
It needs a place
It wasn’t me
Is it you again
I told you that I’ll never see your face again
I close my eyes
It will be as if you were never here
I can’t taste
if I did
I would retrace every step back
I’d know what left me so bitter
So what?
So bitter... isn’t everybody
To ignore
I implore
I ignore even your breath.

Hourglass

With a silhouette
I see what I was so foolish as
To think I could protect
This ode comes too soon for me
But too late for you
The door’s been closed
There’s no going back

With no empathy
I cut the cord
Back so
I could no longer
Pace at your voice
I am planted
No-uprooted
Laying superficial
I’m on top

I stand at the door
With a mirror
Hey there
Principal
I could transport myself
From this body so easy
With some dye and an
Hourglass
Look at the time
Got to fly

With no empathy
I cut the cord
Back so no longer
Can I pace at your voice
I am planted
No- uprooted
Laying superficial
I’m on top
Where you never wanted me
I always wanted me right on top

You say that
You thought I would miss you
You thought I would need you
All the kisses collected and bagged
In the morgue
I guess I didn’t tell you I didn’t need you
I didn’t want to add yours to
The list of
“Everything’s ok
Everything is just alright”
Everyone knows it’s not…

You say you’re ok without me
Not even that- you’re good
I agree
I am learning the muscles
Just add the shocks to the spine
Why did I never notice I wasn’t even
Paying attention to what held you together

All this brave talk of flying for you
Seems to be fluff because
Bent on the highway where you
Stuck out your thumb
I wasted gas burning by
To see
And I’m broken and I’m taking off
Remember that I’m taking off
Remember that I’m on top

With no empathy
I cut the cord
Back so I can no longer pace
At your voice
I am planted
No- uprooted
Laying superficial
I’m on top

There’s no looking back
The door’s been closed
Too late for you but
Not too soon for me
I think I could protect some things with
An
Hourglass
I’m on top

Cherry Cream (The End of the Affair)

my heart is with you
under all
understood
standing proud
my heart is with you
coloring canvas green
a field remembering scene
always back to that tree
when i want to feel you near me
it was ours in our dream
now i don't know where you
call home but where you are
my heart is with you
whatever do you mean
it's just a mockery to me
the times the troubles the
growing stubble so tiresome
his speeches so tiresome my answers
are they vulgar as the question i nevermind myself
my heart is with you
over all
understood

Afterwards

I cut it off myself
And I never look back
Anymore
I cut it off
And l leave it where
I meant to
I lose
Held my head in my hands
I don’t want to see
What I’ll have no part in
The sky is beginning to
Make love with the horizon
The orange and pinks
Begin to merge but I…. I…
Don’t believe in happy endings
I don’t want to make trouble
I can only see what I wanted
With my soul in a ball
I rolled it away
And then the
Cat came out to play
And now there is no way
To see an order
Fade away
Fade away
Fade away

I Could Have Loved You

Instrumental piano